Remember when you got your driver’s license – how excited you were? It seems that driving is one of the last strongholds of freedom we have as we get older. Having your own car and being able to go where you want whenever you wish is a freedom most people fight to keep as long as possible. There are very few people who will not be reluctant to give away that freedom under any circumstance. That makes it all the more difficult when your aging parent needs to hang up their fuzzy dice and you have to be the one to tell them.
We all have complained about older people on the road. They drive too slowly or they drive big cars that they can barely see over the steering wheel. We fear they may roll right over us because they can’t see us or their reactions are slow.
Our Story
I remember when we had to address this issue with my mother. Because of my father’s poor vision, Mom did all of the driving wherever they went. She drove the two of them all around the United States and into Canada a couple of times. It was quite a struggle and a heartbreaking decision to take that privilege away from her.
There may come a time when you have to address the fact that your parent is getting too old or too ill to drive their car. What do you do? Here are a few tips to help you recognize the situation and approach this very delicate subject:
Determine if your parent is not driving well
The best way to do this is to go for a ride in their car with them. This is not driver’s education; you are not teaching them how to drive better. Instead, you are looking for signs of diminished skills and reflexes, like missing stop signs, or not following traffic signals. If they seem nervous or jittery while driving, this is a sign of a problem.
Quite often, you will have already heard from a spouse, other family members, or neighbors that your parent has a problem with their driving. There may be a number of accidents such as running into the garage door or having problems backing out of parking spaces that will also give you clues that they may need to stop driving.
Have your parent’s eyes checked regularly
Some older people have vision problems but are loathe admitting it and avoiding seeing the eye doctor. Schedule an appointment for your elder parent. Reassure your parent that they may not need anything more than a new pair of glasses. Seeing the eye doctor does not automatically mean they will lose their license to drive. It may just clear up a vision problem and they’ll be back on the road before they know it.
Have a conversation with your parent
Ask your parent about driving and if they feel that they can still manage. You may get a suspicious look or an argumentative tone, but don’t join in. Remember that you are talking about their independence. Think how you would feel if someone tried to take away your license.
Don’t treat your parents like children; just find out how they feel about driving. You might be surprised to find out they have been waiting for someone to ask. They may be fearful of their own driving, but they don’t know how else to get to the doctor, the pharmacy, or the grocery store.
Talk to your parent’s doctor
Your parent’s doctor won’t likely discuss your parent’s medical chart with you that are confidential. However, you may want to enlist the aid of the family doctor to discuss driving with your parent during their next appointment. Your parent may not want to hear it from you, but they will listen to their trusted family physician.
If your parent is denying they have vision problems or judgment issues and continue to drive, it may result in an accident. For this reason, a visit with the family physician voicing your concerns would be expected. Your parent’s doctor may have to be the one to tell Mom or Dad that their driving needs to be limited or eliminated altogether.
It is not easy losing independence at any age. When safety issues are at stake, you may have to deal with the fact that your parents are no longer able to drive by themselves. Enlist all the help and support you can get if and when this decision needs to be made.
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